Those Little Voices of the Night

I'm writing this post at 3:30 am. In the morning.  In the "dark watches of the night." I'm not sick. I'm not sleeping either. This is where I'm most vulnerable. At night. In the dark. Where the worries and problems of the day or even weeks can make me sit in front of the computer and play solitaire until I can't see straight anymore. I often feel this is a failing in my faith--this anxiety--not being able to sleep. If I believed, I tell myself, I wouldn't be worried about paying bills or how my son is doing across the country or even how my daughter is within the same state. Remember that symbolism about the "faith like a mustard seed"? It's in Matthew, Chapter 17, verse 20: He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Yeah, I think. I'm supposed to have that kind of faith. So where is it?

This is where the idea of faith takes hold I think. Because when it seems hardest to believe, when you know you aren't in charge, when you have nothing else to grab onto, faith gives you something intangible. Grappling with questions of why the world is this way, how could people be so insensitive, and where are we headed; we humanly, cannot answer those by ourselves. Of course, God isn't booming out the universal answers either to my most anxious of problems--at least in my experience. And I've listened with my hearing aids up full blast. Honest. But I know God is near. I just know it. I can't prove it, or point my finger at something to look at. The Holy Spirit is with me. If I could just trust that. And that is the crux of the problem at 3:30 am. Trusting that the Holy Spirit is with me, not solving the problems, necessarily. Not erasing the anxiety. But sitting next to me, rubbing my shoulders, lending me strength, if I would stop fighting it. I'm not there yet, that's all. The brain is beating away to the staccato rhythm of this, that and the other thing. And until I believe in the Father's healing touch, and truly trust that the Advocate (Holy Spirit) is with me, I'm bringing up another round of solitaire and waiting for the sleep to kick in.Trying to fix the problems, trying to beat back the worry, and trying to believe in the strength of the seed. It will be another long night.